Q: But Don’t Plants Have Feelings Too?
A: Yes, they do, however, I am a valued member of the right wing anti-plant movement, and so I don’t believe they deserve rights.
Q: Aren’t All Vegans Just Tree Hugging Hippies? / What Religion is That?
A: No, we are a cult, blessed by the knowledge bestowed upon us via the almighty hummus deity.
Q: But I Just Love Cheese
A: Dramatically throw back your hair and tilt your black tinted glasses and say ‘Darrrrrllllliiinnngggg, pus is so last season.’ Or say ‘Have you tried Sainsbury’s caramelised onion cheese – it’s like better than cheese; it’s beyond the beyond of cheese’ (It may be handy to always have some slices on your person at all times, for demonstration).
Q: Where Do You Get Your Protein From?
A: Father Christmas, on the yearly. I mean you could explain how plant foods are a much denser and healthier – and cruelty-free – source of protein.
Q: I Don’t Speak Vegan/What Do You Even Eat Though?
A: This is an excellent opportunity to start playing Macka B.
Q: If You Were on a Desert Island, Would You Eat Meat?
A: Look them dead in the eye and say ‘I’d eat you.’
Q: Is Water/Salt/Banana/Lamb’s Lettuce/Kidney Beans/Butter Beans Vegan?